hey
hi
what are you doing?
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"but i don't want to live forever"
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sometimes i stare at something so long, thinking so hard, that i forget where i am, what i am doing, who i am, who knows me, where i am from, why i am where i am.
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i sit and sit and stare and stare and think and think and look and look and listen and listen and write and write and draw and draw and break and break and day dream and day dream and snap back
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my eyelids are heavy from the amount of information my brain has reveived and blocked out in the last few days.
so many things. so many ideas. so many things to know.
so many things to drop and ignore.
to look past.
to notice
to make a big deal out of
to be enthusiastic about.
to love.
to share.
whowhowhwowhowhwhowhowhowhowhowhowwho
i want to pretend no one reads this and no one cares.
i want to sit on a couch and talk about nothing and everything at the same time
harmony and unity
ONE BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ONE SLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I AM TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN TO NOT STOP TYPINGto spplatter my brain on the keyboard
but the problem is.
i am tired. and lost.
the problem is that i have a sculpture to finish but a meeting in the middle of it so it is screwing up my flow and so instead i sit here and read my book.
i read my book and pretend it is me.
i pretend my book is here and it is my life
i pretend my friends are the characters and i live in the pages everyday
i pretend the music is the soundtrack to the movie of my dream life.
i pretend i am underwater or floating in space. either will do. i hold my breath until it doesnt matter anymore
until my body adapts and can absorb nutrients and life from the vacuum of space.
until i can fly
until i can see anything and everything
until no one knows me anymore
i dont like looking in the mirror anymore
but i do like looking at your face
i am starting to feel not so insane lately. but at the same time. the most insane. so detached from everyone.
i had a dream last night about my painting.
piet mondrian was there giving me advice. he said like all things in nature beauty is quite simple and very automatic.
i didnt believe him. well in my dream i didnt. i know quite well that he is right.
hi
hey
are you going out tonight?
1 comment:
there was a time when i would have thought that some of these words had to do with me,
but i know they don't and it aches a certain hidden part inside of me,
because every time i look into his eyes i know that i will never really love him, because that part of me that was happy and in love still belongs to you. and it is an unfair game to play at, to look into somebody's eyes and love somebody else.
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