sober thoughts before sleep

i look at my name .
i read it out loud.
daniel de la rosa
for me.
as i read that. as i see those letters. here the vowels and consonants. well
a million things come to mind.
first is daniel.
daniel.
not dan
sometimes danny
daniel.
the name of my father
i try to live every second as if my dad was watching my every move. i have come to find over the years that he is the wisest person i know.
i cannot think of a time when he has been wrong.
where an idea of his has been bad
where actions have not been thought out beforehand.
when i think of my name
i do not hear my voice but the voices of others.
of friends. people. de la rosa.
i almost feel like it is a brand.
and immediately certain things will come to any given persons mind upon hearing de la rosa if they have met any member of my family.
images come to mind. unique ones. ones that do not relate to anything yet also relate to everything all at the same time.
my name encompasses not only me but any person i have met in my life.
cds i have made. sketches i have drawn. cars i have sat in. lips i have kissed. lies i have told.
apologies i have made. phone calls and texts. returned and ignored. messages answered.
keys returned. knocking on doors. sneaking through hallways. slipping on ice. stealing things.
stealing books. stealing postcards. stealing hats. stealing pens. stealing sheets of metal. stealing mp3s. stealing food. stealing books. stealing. stealth.
i read the words daniel delarosa.
the name. the infinite number of things those 6 syllables can mean to anyone.
they can mean nothing.
it can be the credit at the bottom of a photo on a bottle of jones soda.
it can be a name thrown out at a party
intials signed
doctors appointments
rooommates
fights
a face doesnt come to mind.
and a million others do.
i can imagine any given image except my own face. i only know it through photographs and mirrors. i am almost afraid to touch it. and well
i just did
i feel like it was the first time i ever really have in my life. i have always been told by my mother not to touch my face. i feel like a blind person meeting someone for the first time. and when i touch my face i feel it and i can see it inverted. backwards and inside out. i see what people perceive. not what i see in the mirror.
i hear my name and think it is a strong one. i am proud of my name
your name is who you are
the symbol of you. sounds that mean you.
sounds that i never really hear. when i hear myself speak. just as when i touched my face, its very different from when i hear it on a phone recording or in a video. i hummmmmmmmmm in my ear. i say hummmbarumdum lum shum.
SAY THINGS OUTLOUD
nope
sounds strange and generic
sounds low and deep, detaching yourself from yourself is one of the hardest things to do. to step back out of your eyes and shoes and try and see what others see.
all things in life that work are based on the principle of unity
of harmony
of sameness and difference at once.
and because i have just realized this. i feel like i must consider all things.
i used to think, i really dont care what anyone thinks at all. but
i must do that. yet also care so much. because it is not only me in this world and just as my name does not only represent me but all others as well, that means, other peoples names, other people, they represent me in some way. maybe just a fraction. but their name represents my experience with them. that person. all things mentioned above. anyone could go through the exact same thought process i have just gone through and could possibly think the exact same things.
as i impact every person i meet.
they also impact me as well.
equal and opposite reactions
equal and opposite
harmony
i struggle with this world because i seem to love it all.
i am hopelessly in love with all. and i find it difficult to find harmony in that.